Tomorrow is my youngest son’s 21st Birthday.

He’s excited, not because he recognises that age as a significant milestone in his  life, but because he associates birthdays with cards, presents  and a cake with candles.

It won’t matter what the cards or presents are. He just likes opening them and if he gets any cheques or cash notes, he’ll most likely just throw them away with the rubbish.

Money has no meaning to him.

My son has autism.

Tomorrow is also National Autism Awareness Day, and I hope it helps a  few more people understand what the lives are like for those affected by the disability…  

…and I don’t just mean the autistic person.

There is a huge lack of understanding about most forms of disability and the strain it puts on families and carers. Unless you live with it, you can’t really grasp the emotional and often physical exhaustion experienced by those for whom there is no escape.

As a parent, you can’t just stop when things get difficult, and often grief, guilt, shame, fear, exhaustion, isolation, and pride all conspire to prevent asking for help.

I know, I’ve been there.

It’s  particularly difficult too, if the person you care for cannot show any empathy. A one-way street can be a very lonely road to travel.

As I said, my son has autism and whilst every person with autism is unique and their challenges are many, three common similarities between most autistic individuals are they like their own space, rarely make eye contact, and have very little empathy for anyone else.

When people get too close or really look at them they often feel VERY uncomfortable.

You’re probably the same though, aren’t you? Just to a lesser extent.

It’s all to do with Proxemics, and according to Wikipedia:

“The term proxemics was introduced by anthropologist Edward T. Hall in 1966.  Proxemics is the study of set measurable distances between people as they interact”.

It has a biological basis.

Apparently, the better the relationship we have with people, the more comfortable we are being close to them. Our comfort zones are like imaginary bubbles, and we put people in them depending on how well we know them.

A survey on Proxemics, reveals the following acceptable distances (depending on our culture) -

Intimate distance  for embracing, touching or whispering

Close phase – less than 6 inches (15 cm)
Far phase – 6 to 18 inches (15 to 46 cm)

Personal distance for interactions among good friends or family members

Close phase – 1.5 to 2.5 feet (46 to 76 cm)
Far phase – 2.5 to 4 feet  (76 to 120 cm)

Social distance for interactions among acquaintances

Close phase – 4 to 7 feet (1.2 to 2.1 m)
Far phase – 7 to 12 feet (2.1 to 3.7 m)

Public distance used for public speaking

Close phase – 12 to 25 feet (3.7 to 7.6 m)
Far phase – 25 feet (7.6 m) or more

If people get too close for the relationship we have with them we feel threatened.  It’s the old fight or flight situation kicking in.

Most of us learn to cope with the problem, especially in social situations but it’s not always possible for people with autism to do so. They rarely form relationships so everyone usually falls into acquaintance category.

Think about being on a train or standing in a queue.

Whilst most of us accept we may have to stand or sit really close to a stranger, how many of us actually look at anyone else? We may not feel threatened in the physical sense, but rarely do we make eye contact.

So you see, in some respects autism isn’t so strange after all, is it?

There still remains little understanding of it, though, at least amongst  those who don’t have to live with it.

Maybe, if those of us who have no choice but to be involved keep drip feeding little snippets of information, someday autism will lose its stigma and there will be more acceptance, tolerance and compassion.

Please remember that, especially on 2nd April, which is National Autism Awareness Day, (AND my son’s birthday)!

Take care.

Jean Shaw